Serving Until the Final Farewell
We are in an age defined by relentless pace and growing individualism. Our society is quietly eroding the sacred bond of family. Among the most significant consequences of this shift is how we, as Muslim families, care for our elderly and ailing parents. As a community, we face the dilemma of placing our parents in a nursing home, paying for in-home-care, or just toughing it out.
The Qur’ān is unequivocal:
وَوَصَّيۡنَا ٱلۡإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٲلِدَيۡهِ حَمَلَتۡهُ أُمُّهُ ۥ وَهۡنًا عَلَىٰ وَهۡنٍ۬ وَفِصَـٰلُهُ ۥ فِى عَامَيۡنِ أَنِ ٱشۡڪُرۡ لِى وَلِوَٲلِدَيۡكَ إِلَىَّ ٱلۡمَصِيرُ
“And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination”(Luqman:14).
These words transcend obligation; they are a call to gratitude, humility, and sacrifice. Our parents carried burdens unimaginable, investing sleepless nights, physical strain, and boundless love into raising us. When their strength fades, Islam does not merely recommend but commands that we, as their children, rally to their side with honor and compassion.
It’s been a little over a year since my father passed away and its no overstatement that the last six years of his life were extremely difficult and easily the most challenging years of my own life. The reality is that there is no way I could have gotten through it without family, without the collective effort and support of my mother, siblings, our spouses and most of all, the immense mercy of Allah ta’ala. Over the last few years, I’ve had several people ask me about it and how to deal with similar situations, especially while having a young family.
Success in caring for elderly parents is rarely achieved as the sole responsibility of one person. It is a shared amanah (trust) upon the entire family unit. This includes children, spouses of the children, and grandchildren. Undoubtedly, the direct command of filial piety rests most heavily on the children. The Prophet ﷺ said: “The pleasure of the Lord lies in the pleasure of the parent, and the anger of the Lord lies in the anger of the parent.” (Tirmidhi). For an ailing or aging parent, their needs dwindle to basic necessities, fulfilled through simple acts such as physical assistance, emotional support, and presence.
As for the spouses of the children, this brings a new set of challenges. Many young Muslims looking for marriage approach the situation with an attitude of they’re not my parents, and while that is true, we must ask ourselves: What does our religion demand of us? The Messenger of Allah ﷺ taught us that we are accountable for forty homes in our neighborhood, regardless of family ties. Can we then imagine that the Prophetic spirit permits dismissing their needs with the excuse of they’re not my parents? When we get married we should include in our intentions to enter into the sacred circle of responsibility of our in-laws. A daughter/son-in-law who assists in caring for their elderly in-laws embodies noble character and earns immense reward. They are not only honoring their spouse’s parents but also the principles of kinship that Islam cherishes. Even though the responsibility might not directly fall over us, we can aid and try to ease the responsibility of the person who’s shoulders it does fall directly on; the person we have intended to spend the rest of our lives with. In fact, there is even indication to the sacredness of the in-law ties as the mahram relationship that is established through marriage (between parent-in-law and child-in-law) will never be broken, even in the case of divorce. Many of the challenges we face in supporting those around us, be it our parents or our children, stem from having embraced a life of isolation, effectively becoming nuclear families. This stance not only contradicts the sunnah and dictates of kinship and compassion, but also reflects a dangerous narrowing of the circle of care that Islam so expansively defines.
I would accentuate however, the importance of growing the relationship between spouse and parent in a healthy manner. I cannot emphasize enough that, especially when the parents are relatively young and healthy, newlyweds should live separately. Effort and compromise must be made to achieve a good relationship, but it will usually be fostered from a healthy distance. There are enough challenges for a newly married couple in getting to know one another, why should we add to that the complexity of living with the entire family. I have seen a number of cases where newlyweds were “forced” to live with the parents when there was no need, and hence, when the parents got old and sickly and actually needed care, the child-in-law had already had enough and could not stay with them. If the approach is reversed, and the relationship nurtured, then when the parents have a real need for it, there will likely be more understanding from the side of the child-in-law and even a natural rahmah will manifest to support them. More patience will be exercised and excuses for the demeanor of the elderly will be more easily lent.
As for the grandchildren, they play a profound role. Aging and elderly parents require a new measure of emotional support. Visits of the grandchildren bring joy and renewed vitality. Simply walking into their room to give salaam alleviates hours of loneliness and affirms their sense of belonging to the family when they have otherwise reached a mental state of constantly questioning what contribution or purpose they have left. I recall being five or six years old, and after ‘isha my father sent me into my grandfather’s room to tell him good night. My mother’s father who had suffered multiple strokes, could no longer speak properly, and was paralyzed on his entire right side, let out such a release of excitement that it was heard throughout the house. When I came back my father explained the elation a grandchild brings and the importance of bringing joy to the elderly. In my fathers own end of life, we faced countless episodes of frustration due to his dementia, and oftentimes, in the midst of it all, I would send my kids into his room or walk in with them, achieving the same result for my grandfather thirty years earlier. Beyond bringing them joy, this experience teaches our children the importance of respecting and serving the elderly. Our own children will only learn this when they see it regularly in action from adults to the elderly.
The Prophet ﷺ described opportunities for spiritual elevation that can only be attained through serving parents:
“May he be disgraced, may he be disgraced, may he be disgraced, the one whose parents, one or both, reach old age during his lifetime, and he does not enter Paradise by serving them”(Muslim). Here, service to parents is not portrayed as a burden but as a golden gateway to Paradise. Changing a parent’s bedding, feeding them with your own hands, or patiently listening to their repeated stories are not mundane chores but acts of worship, avenues of forgiveness, and among the greatest means of drawing closer to Allah Most High. My teacher once reminded me that as long as our parents are alive, two doors of paradise remain open to us.
The logistical struggle will be very real, including distance, demanding jobs, limited resources, etc. Some feel compelled to place parents in nursing homes, wracked with guilt but seeing no alternative. There will be genuine hardships and Allah ta’ala in His infinite mercy will recognize that far beyond our own recognition, but we must exhaust every effort to keep parents within the warmth of family care. We should look for creative solutions be it rotating caregiving amongst siblings, alternating doctor’s visits amongst siblings, pooling finances for home nursing support, rearranging living spaces, anything that allows parents to remain integrated in family life, preserve dignity and spiritual connection. One of the biggest challenges that shaytan will use is self-absorbed effort. The reality is that whoever’s home the parent is in will have to bear an onus not shared by others. It’s very easy however not to see the sacrifices the other siblings make. If we are the ones the parent isn’t living with, we will face the challenge of having to leave the house to come to their aid. Oftentimes in that aged state, the parent, like the young child, is in an out-of-sight, out-of-mind reality. If they don’t see the one child busy in front of them, they may feel that child is home relaxing. They then proceed to call that child for the most basic of needs. Those being called by the parent might question why the ones living with the parent are not managing the task while the in-home caretaker may wonder why those outside don’t lend more time. Unless we force ourselves in the other caretaker’s shoes, we will become easy targets for shaytan. To circumvent this requires open communication within the family and, above all, cognizance and gratitude for one another’s effort even if it varies. One reason care for elderly parents is so rewarding in the sight of Allah is because it can be extremely challenging but, the greater the challenge, the greater the effort, the greater the reward. If we tackle this phase of life prophetically (or at least attempt to), and seek forgiveness from Allah ta’ala, then spiritual openings will also come through it. The dunyawi constraint due to a noble cause will undoubtedly birth spiritual expansion.
When children, spouses, and grandchildren come together to serve elderly parents, something remarkable unfolds. Generational gaps narrow, resentments soften, and family ties strengthen. Young children witness firsthand the meaning of birr al-walidayn (excellence toward parents), carrying that ethic into their own futures. The elderly, rather than feeling like a forgotten relic, experience love and respect that revitalize their faith and emotional well-being.
As we navigate these responsibilities, let us remind ourselves that our parents are not just dependents, they are honored guests whom Allah Most High has placed in our care for a fleeting, precious window. Let us seize this opportunity before it slips away, lest we live with regret. Finally, as care-takers, we might struggle with such abounding frustrations that we even question our love for our parents. That dilemma, in and of itself, is a testament to the love we have for them. In any shortcomings on our part, it is paramount that we envelope ourselves in asking forgiveness from our parents and, most importantly, Allah Most High.
May Allah Most High, soften our hearts toward our parents as they once softened theirs toward us. Unite our families in serving them with ihsan (excellence), make our homes sanctuaries of compassion for the elderly and ailing, and let our children witness and inherit this prophetic legacy of care. May He keep us and them alive as long as it is good for us. Amin.